Misanthrope Mission #2

Well it will save me thinking of yet more alliterative bloody titles. This time I went to T'Lakes and T'County in a round trip via the Once Brewed Youth Hostel (and the adjacent Once Brewed Pub which only served Twice Brewed Beer, WTF). Several hundred miles and several hours of driving and I got up.....one problem. Huh.

Gouther: Glorious weather on the day. Gouther was in the shade and rather dank, which precluded topping out on most problems. Not a problem for me as being shite and weak precluded getting anywhere near the top on most problems. I warmed up doing Trev's Traverse in a few goes, this is a weird problem which feels very trad. I then spent so long failing on other stuff I didn't get the chance to fail on the rad-looking J Mascis. But I've had a good recce and will be back. Team Buys were at the crag with Gav and Mike Hutton. They're a nice pair, very affable.

Queen's Crag: Dry and fresh on the walk-in, via lots of cows who were doing some very fine mooing. I like cows. Got to the crag. It started pissing down. I had a good recce. Eventually the rain abated enough for me to....walk out as there was no bloody chance of it drying. Still it looks cool. Lots of aretes and a few good faces. Syked to get back.

Hepburn: Dry and fresh on the walk-in. Wanted to check out the lesser-known problems and after some of the worst boulder/heather bashing ever, ended up at Queen Bee Buttress. Oooh there's a cool looking wall/rib above a good landing, starting from a nice mono....And the mono is FULL OF FUCKING BEES. Stomped over to Titanic Arete. I tried this before and couldn't do it. I tried it again and couldn't do it. I've fallen out with this problem. There was a team working hard stuff and a cool-looking project. I went over to watch and their cute wee terrier thing jumped on my lap and wouldn't leave. This was more fun than Titanic Arete so I sacked off that problem. And pretty soon sacked off the day entirely before I risked actually getting up a problem (not that big a risk really).

Sometimes on these trips there just seems to be far more rain and walking and bees and cows than actual climbing. This is a cow:

Three things...

...that say it all:

1.


2.


3. (An oldie but totally timeless)

DARK MAVIS says:
FUCKING BOLLOX BRITISH FUCKING CUNT WEATHER
DARK MAVIS says:
FUCKING WET ALL NEXT CUNTING WEEK
DARK MAVIS says:
CCCCUUUUUNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Fiend says:
they should quote that on metcheck

The Dismal End.

It is now mid-September, the definitive, quintessential, Indian Summer time. When the showery frustration and occasional mugginess of July and August give way to the settled mellow warmth of early Autumn, when the crags have slowly but finally dried and seepage is at bay, when the midges are satisfyingly dying out, when the second great weather window of the year opens and allows some of the best climbing times.

As I write this, the tail end of a fucking HURRICANE is ripping through Glasgow like a cataclysmic expulsion of weather god diarrhoea, spraying 5cm deep torrents of rain on 70mph gusting winds. Oh but don't worry, there is a good weather window coming for a couple of days.....and then it's straight back to pissing SHIT again.

The dismal end to a dismal summer that never even started. A summer where everything seemed deceptively stacked in my favour: Last year felt like a recovery year from DVTs, this felt like a year where I was going to really get into climbing and progress and enjoy. I had plentiful and diverse inspiration for further exploration and nearer challenges. Following last years's dabblings, I had varied and succinct places to visit: A week on Lewis, long weekends in Skye, Caithness and Ardnamurchan, weekends at Glen Nevis and Creag Dubh - remarkably little to ask for an entire summer in which I had plenty of time. I also had - eventually - plenty of keen partners to explore with.

Time. Inspiration. Fitness. Plans. Partners.

All meaning fuck all without any reliable weather (since April, apart from that couple of weeks in July).

Some people seem to get berateful or bemused at my dismay with this dismality. "But it's Scotland, what do you expect??" Well I expect something better than the coldest summer in Scotland since 1993....a climbing contact said it had been the wettest summer in Fort William for 25 years and given the astronomical amount of aborted attempts to meet up and climb, I believe her.

If I was only into going to the gym, training at the climbing wall, pottering on local crags, going swimming, painting toy soldiers, listening to drum and bass and techno and metal, playing computer games, playing pool, hanging out in cafes and occasionally restaurants, chatting shit online and offline etc etc, then SURE the weather wouldn't be a problem... But I'm not - I'm also, and mostly, and genuinely, into exploring crags all over the country and beyond. Exploration which requires more than the occasional dry afternoon to justify the journey and punishing petrol prices.

So, yes, this really does suck for someone with my tastes and inspirations. It sucks for all of us climbers. I hope the suckage comes to an end soon, with at least some respite.

There is a Plan B.

The waiting game continues - the weather still too rubbish and unreliable in the all-important North West and Isles - sunshine and sodding showers, glorious dry days alternating with torrentially wet ones, preventing the multi-day trips that such inspiring yet remote venues require. Although expected from a Scottish summer, and an all too familiar bane of the syked trad explorer, this still sucks festering goat arse. Thus something is needed to alleviate the tedium of the waiting and "keeping one's hand in" game.

That Plan B is coming in the form of inspiration to push myself more physically. There are other reasons for this (I will explain later), but also taking advantage of local crags, sport crags, wet-weather crags, venues that are considerably less interesting but much more reliable. Finding some solace in the joys of movement and the thrill of intense challenge and the dark art of redpointing. For me this is all a side-line but it is an interesting and rewarding one....and one which will hopefully feedback into my trad climbing, firstly as valuable physical (and sometimes mental) training but also too keep my trad syke undersatiated and unjaded.

Time to stop being weak, I think.

8/12

Hmmm so there have been some vaguely interesting and vaguely uninteresting developments this last month. Most of which have revolved around sorting out - or trying to sort out - a few non-climbing issues, that might lead to future progress and future plans, and in the background an undercurrent of limestone sport climbing which is pretty much all the climbing I've done in the month. As is often the case the utterly repulsive summer weather is the culprit, and looks to remain guilty for the foreseeable future, but at least clipping bolts has given me something vaguely fun to do. Next month's plans are: More stuff, definitely getting away to Wales/Cornwall if weather allows, and a bit more sport and local-ish trad if (when) it doesn't. My elbow has been a little tender so I'll have to be careful and cunning with that once more...

"Summer"

It is now pretty much the height of Summer, so naturally it is pissing down and forecast to be the dreaded "sunshine and showers" for the foreseeable future or at least the next decade or so. Once again those who take pleasure in dry outdoor activities are labouring under the tyrannical yoke of this country's obnoxiously unpredictable and unreliable weather, and once again those who are most inspired by exploratory trips away to the mountains and coasts in the West have to suffer this yoke the most of all.

Welcome to the grossly unfair battle of Syked Trad Climber vs The Weather.

However this year, knowing that this is an unwinnable battle head on, I have been nimbly outwitting the situation, with advanced preparation. I have been trying to sort "stuff" out in the meantime, contacting lots of climbing partners and getting options for later in the "summer", and also doing sporadic running to keep fit. Hopefully giving me time and readiness if the weather does ever clear up (unfortunately I missed the last good periods due to said "stuff").

Also, more prominently, I have been on the Lime a lot, sport climbing as training for the Greater Ranges. I've dabbled a bit with this in the past, and it was a plan for last "summer" but of course injury stopped play then. Recently my injuries have felt fine and fairly healed (although I had a very slight niggle in my elbow last night, something I will have to heed diligently), and I have discovered that although Pennine inland Lime is generally Turd, it is a valuable training resource. I have been onsighting in the Matlock quarries and in Yorkshire, and working routes on local Peak crags, verily even thee Tor. All of which has got me stronger and fitter, given me some climbing to do when weather and time prevent away trips, and who knows there might have been a bit of enjoyment at some point...

Defeat.

This morning I drove back from Font after our 4 day New Year trip there.

30+ hours driving
£180 in fuel
1 ½ days climbing
2 days walking around in drizzle and clag
5 peeling finger-tips
4 hours of bad sleep this morning

Was it worth it?

No.

It was the most promising start to a Font trip ever - driving down from Dunkirk to Paris it was -5°C all the way (apart from when it was -6), even when the sun came up, and Monday was a perfect winter sun day. There had been a last-minute forecast of "30% chance of snow showers" on Tue/Wed, which in theory shouldn't have been a problem given the icy temps and bone dry rock. But the reality defied all theory and indeed all common sense. Despite Monday night being at least -2°C if not colder, it somehow rained overnight, which promptly froze, completely fucking up the next few days. Thus Tue and Wed were spent reccing a damp forest - useful for future visits but little consolation really. We managed to find enough dry rock for a few hours bouldering before the ferry on Thu, but it was too little too late.

The company was good, the gite was good, and the food was pretty good. The one ambition I achieved was not bouldering but eating: I finally cooked myself some horse - with Sloper's recommendation on the cooking method - and it was surprisingly mild and melt-in-the-mouth tender. Hurrah. But having an exciting, celebratory, New Year's bouldering trip in the Forest dissolve away into grey, damp, retreat was pretty shit. I'd like to be more philosophical about this but a combination of frustration, cheesemares, long late night drives and general knackeredness has left me feeling pretty bleak today.

When this passes, I'll be able to take in the New Year more, and have some positive, productive thoughts on it.

September.

September is usually one of the best months of the year for me. The crags are usually driest even after the usual mediocre summers. The air has usually cooled down to allow decent conditions for quality trad climbing. I'm usually feeling strong and fit after climbing - and the occasional walk-in - for various parts of the summer. I usually go on some good trips and get some great routes done in September.

Anyway it's totally spunking it down outside, the next forecast dry spell is in 2018, my elbow's still fucked, and I'm still fat and weak.

Appropriately September arrived with the most flaccid of whimpers: A rare dry weekend, well most of it anyway, seemed to indicate the validity of a climbing trip away. So I went to Northumberland for the best forecast, quick drying crags, and some good mileage places to explore. And LO!, it was dry. Well, as humid, muggy, and moist as it is possible to be without all the water coagulating into rain and spoiling the illusion of "dryness". Suffice to say it was climbable, but since those "good mileage places" had a certain amount of lichen etc, conditions were rubbish. Thus I did very little and the most fun part of the weekend was the long easy amble into Ravensheugh, surprisingly enough.

And thus time plods onwards... Okay I do have some stuff to ramble and rant about, soonish.