Backlog Bollox

Holy arse on toast it's been a long time since I posted any ramblings on here. The main reason being that things have been a bit bollox with weather, car trouble, partner mis-organisation, general slothfulness and other malaises.

Things I haven't done recently include:

• Got back up to anywhere inspiring in the North West or North East.


• Booked any rad and awesome trips away.


• Climbed much that has been particularly challenging or progressive.


• Kept up with training hard at the gym.


• Kept up with training hard at the wall.


• Followed my concepts for having a great climbing year.

Boo.

What a choad.

What I have done is sat on my arse too much, and then a bit of the following:

Horribly Weak at Harper's Wall
The low point of this year if not my life. Not only did I have to resort to climbing a VS, I actually enjoyed it. Ugggghhhhh. VS. Fucking hillwalking.

Breezy Cruising at Brown Crag
Obviously the above was completely unacceptable. So, after a good night's sleep and a strong coffee, Phil and I headed down to Brown Crag to see what we could do. The initial plan was to go back to square 1 and get some good E1 mileage there. As it turned out, conditions were good, the vibe was good, I was suitably wary/prepared for the steepness, and slowly eased my way into E1 5a, E1 5b, E1 5c, E2/3 5c, E2/3 5c, which whilst only just above hillwalking / descent route level, did actually feel like climbing. All pretty nice routes too.

Kinda fun at The Keel
I arranged to climb with Stuart. He suggested The Keel, a new local sport climbing crag on the Aberdeen coast. Ugggghhhhh. I expected something that would make Boltsheugh look like Ceuse. Really the last sort of place I'd want to go on a decent day with a plethora of trad available. Nevertheless I went along to give it ago, cos he's a nice guy, I might get some good training in, and maybe persuade him over to Coble Boards afterwards. As it happens although The Keel was short, steep and scruffy, it was long enough to make leading feel pretty worthwhile, and the climbing was actually kinda fun and it felt good to get involved and get a decent workout.

Casual Flailing at Carrock Fell

Each time I go to Carrock Fell it seems to be in bollox conditions. This time I thought previous bone dry days plus a forecast 10-20 mph Easterly wind would encourage some sort of friction but alas no. The rock was dry but my skin wasn't and although it was cool-ish there was a vague mugginess that ensured a brief session and a determination to revisit more in winter.

Going Okay at Glen Ogle
More local days, blah blah. Went up to Glen Ogle to sample fresh breeze and afternoon sun and it was pretty good despite it being blind rounded dusty slopey obtuse schist at it's almost worst. Nevertheless I climbed okay, highlights being a near miss on a slopey F7a - had actually committed fully to the moves and was 0.0000001 seconds away from getting a jug when I lost balance. Good that I put the effort in rather than wimping out but annoying it was rewarded with failing anyway. And a near success on the classic E3 crackline which was easy on all the steep bits and tricky on all the slabby ledgy bits and while never actually hard was sufficiently obscure enough I very nearly came off on dusty rock but somehow persuaded myself to adhere. Not so much a fun romp as a good exercise in staying calm.

Chilling at Cambusbarron
Finally went to Camby just for something to do, and that something to do seemed to mostly be lounging on my mat enjoying the sporadic sun. Did one warm-up route, tried a supposed easy E3 that was utter nails, backed off in a confused micro-huff, decided it was too still / tiring to try anything challenging and blah blah.

SoOoOo....what next to sort this debacle out. I'd love to say "more Highlands and Islands awesomeness" but I doubt the diabolical weather gods will be that kind. I certainly need to keep up with my concepts for dealing with shitty weather. I also need to train a lot more, and follow up some leads for a climbing trip abroad. Better get my arse off the toast and into gear then...

Minor beasting at Myopics Buttress, plus Arse At Aberdeen.

Not a great exploratory weekend just passed, but not a bad training on either. Haven't really pushed myself much physically recently, but ended up going back to Dunkeld to play on Myopics Buttress, where I got roped into a good dogging session. Had a good play on the steep and powerful "classic of the buttress" and a good rotpunkt attempt which I very nearly got but had missed crucial foot beta and then when I got the beta I ran out of strength. Still that felt like it gave me a good workout which is nice.

The next day at Aberdeen was not so nice, possibly due to that minor beasting. Despite good fresh conditions (sunshine and breeze), another good partner (Canadian b-Rad), and an inspiring cliff (Craig Stirling), I failed on one of my desired routes there, due to utter pump and fiddling in shoddy gear and missing better gear slots. Uggggh. Oh and I lost a shoe in the sea and got hit by a wave when I abseiled too low and nearly went off the road and nearly got done by two speed cameras on the way home. Thankfully a scheduled early return precluded any further climbing / sea-related debacles, but it was quite disappointing given I've been doing okay recently. Once again mastery or even competence at Aberdeen sea-cliff climbing eludes me... Hopefully the weather will allow me to head west and avoid it for a while!

Fucking crap at Floors Craig.

If these 10m mid-grade routes are just a wee bit steep, then why are the ab ropes so bloody far out from the cliff??


Because they're a bit more than "a wee bit" steep. More like ridiculously bloody steep. I've not really been on anything like it, nor seen much like it apart from Sanctuary Wall. Yeah this is like a mini mid-grade Sanctuary Wall. Sport climbing without bolts, and all close enough to the hard rock platforms that every bit of gear is crucial, you've got to get it right and get it right ASAP, oh and it's schist so all the holds are blind and obscure despite being generally good. Throw in a lack of chalk and a whiff of haar and it all adds up to a climbing experience which is utterly hostile to my climbing style.

I want to like this climbing, I really do. I like the coast, I like the rock, I like the look of it....I like the theory of it. I'm just crap at it. Fucking crap in fact. I think I've got my arse at least slightly kicked every time I've visited Aberdeen, and I don't mean a night out baiting the onshore offshore workers. This time swap "slightly" for "utterly" and you get the gist. 3 fairly steady warm-up routes failed on, and the bigger challenges that inspired me might as well be left for my next lifetime, preferably one where I'm reincarnated as a sea-gull. So that all sucked.

What it all boiled down to is some obvious weaknesses that are exposed - and brutally buttfucked - by this sort of terrain:

1. Fear of falling.
2. Fear of committment to a position where I might fall.
3. Lack of faith in what might lie above.
4. Lack of faith in my ability.
5. Slowness and faff placing gear.

So as always I need to learn positively from this to gain more climbing pleasure. I need to tackle this sort of terrain more, I need to do more falling practice, focus consciously on placing gear smoothly, and train my weaknesses. I also probably need to spend more time on the coast and get to grips with the rock and hopefully progress (up to square one, hah!) on it and truly enjoy it. I expect the usual "wet in the west" weather will give me some opportunity to do so.

Abortive attempts at Auchinstarry, determination at Dunglas.

I've been to Auchinstarry 3 times in the last few weeks, with the intention of trying something a bit more challenging i.e. Nijinski. Day 1 - warmed up, showered off. Day 2 - warmed up, showered off. Day 3 - warmed up, showered....but it passed. Oh hurrah. That meant I actually had to try it....obeying the inexplicable exhortations of my soul.

[Talking about souls, or rather the lack thereof, one thing I notice when reading about Nijinski is the vast hordes who have top-roped, or most usually attempted to top-rope it. This is....both highly vulgar and even less explicable. It's THE standout line and classic bold head-game LEAD testpiece of the Central Belt, what on earth would possess someone to waste such a quality climb by top-roping it, at very best a pointless no star muscular exercise?? As it happens when I turned up, lo and behold there was someone dangling off the end of a rope, scuffing their way around the crux with clearly no concept of the challenge involved nor the ability needed. I couldn't resist and politely suggested that if they can't do it, there was the obvious alternative of not doing it (why do people always miss this option?) and instead doing one of the superb mid-grade leads scattered around the quarry. They probably thought I was a complete cunt - "Hi, I AM a complete cunt" - and there was muttering to that effect, well, I have strong beliefs in aiming for quality climbing experiences and encouraging people to do so, rather than low quality abuse of something they shouldn't be anywhere near. This isn't a fucking climbing wall and Nijinski isn't a 3 star classic for fucking aiding your way up on a top-rope. Thankfully they packed up pretty shortly and disappeared....a bit of a sour taste was left but not as sour as if I'd kept hush and not put my real life money where my online mouth is.]

Later on I got on the route for a look. Many years ago I'd watched Grimer starting this (onsight but with pre-placed wires IIRC) and thought the lower arete looked quite worrying. When it formed in my mind as a possible idea, I was more worried about the highball start than the crux - but protected - finish. I was wrong both ways, the highball start is piss as is gaining the gear slot, and the upper crux seems inexplicable, blind, and very hard. Having teased in no less than 8 microwires into the so-called gear rack - of which 2 were actually good! - I felt fine with the fall potential but not with the failure potential. I got stood on the quartz ripple a few times (and reversed), but got bored with not knowing what to do next, so finished up Death Is...

So yeah, I asked people to not top-rope it in the context that it really should be led onsight, tried to lead it onsight, and had to escape off. What a cunt?? Well, no, not really. I was prepared to put myself out, to commit to it, to give it a go, to try to raise my game to the level the climb deserved. I was there standing on the ripple with a collection of tiny wires a few yards to the left, not sitting on a rope from above. I didn't manage it this time but I have a strong belief in the experience I am aiming for and aspiring to....I think I'll wait until I'm a better climber before I go back.

And next...


Next day I was bored with quarried basalt and trad too (a bit jaded after two good weekends at Northumberland and Polldubh) and fancied a change rather than a rest so what better than confusing, blind, over-bolted, loose, green and freezing cold esoteric sport climbing?? What better indeed. We went to Dunglas for a few hours and played on the new micro-sport wall. A bit like many such places, it's a bit crap and a bit good at the same time. It's everything I wrote above, but it's also hard, powerful, and pumpy for short routes, and therefore good training, which is sometimes all you need. Did a few routes and a couple I had to fight a bit on, so that's good. Not sure what's next but mixing it up is definitely the way. Although as usual it looks like the weather will have the final word in the near future.

You can't have fun when you're weak...

...and bloody hell I didn't know it was possible to get THIS weak!! I should have paid more attention to The Path Of Weakness when I was hanging around with Duncan Disorderly... I've been out climbing a couple of times in Scotland and it feels any progress I'd previously made has been swamped by the logistical mess I'm trying to sort out moving to Glasgow, and the subsequent distressing lack of climbing and training.

The mind is willing, the desire is strong, but the flesh is oh so weak - or more like, oh so unfit. I'm getting unfeasibly pumped on routes I would have considered beneath my dignity as gentle warm-ups a few months ago, and have ended up slumped on a rope or collapsed at the top of a route, hyperventilating with exhaustion on a few occasions. When I'm nauseous with the pump and my vision goes funny on a slabby F6a+ (do grades really go that low??), there is definitely something wrong. And this wrongness is definitely down to my legs and the aftermath of the DVT clots (steep walk-ins are still a multipitch affair), and it is becoming clear that I am hanging on to what little fitness I've regained by a thin thread. I obviously need to keep up with exercise and realise what a long and uphill journey (although I'll stick to flatter walk-ins) lies ahead.

However, there is some hope. This situation is fairly reminiscent of when I broke my foot in summer 2005 and was hobbling back to fitness in the autumn - about the same time as now I was struggling just as hard on routes just as easy... And over winter, I trained, got my strength back, climbed well in early spring and then started my best climbing years ever in that next spring. This time, regaining CV fitness might be a lot harder, but my summer climbing experiences have been a bit more consistent, I've got several years more climbing "wisdom" (yes, really!) and I'm in an area with a better choice of mileage routes (in 2005 I ended up going to Clwyd limestone for a long weekend's mileage....Glen Nevis or Gairloch are somewhat more appealing choices!).

And of course, there's a follow on motto to this blog title:

You can't have fun when you're weak...

...But the great thing about being weak is you can get STRONG!

Battered like sausage, beaten like egg.

Result: Fiend omelette. Delicious, nutritious, and with all your essential saturated fats guaranteed.

The recipe for turning Fiend into mincemeat was demonstrated this weekend. Take an overhanging slanting jamming crack, arrange the crack so that many good hand jams are visible in the first half, and arrange the rock strata to give the impression of being slightly overhanging, all to imbue the victim/ingredient with a sense of awe and confidence. Stir said ingredient into the mix and slowly puree along 15m of mild hand crushing. As things start coming to the boil, widen the crack and increase the angle to ensure upper limbs are adequately tenderised, then briefly simmer in a traumatic leg searing niche, allowing the exposure and exhaustion to pulverise any firmness left in the meat. Serve hanging on the rope....and for dessert ensure that the only method of retrieving ropes is a 2 hour epic of abseiling, retrieving ropes, prussiking, and semi-seconding said horror.

For a digestif, finally abseil off and realise the whole crag overhangs by many metres, including the so-called slabby niche that is merely overhanging slightly less than the rest.


Next time I'm taking a sodding protractor or surveying equipment so that when insidious thoughts like "it overhangs a little bit" and "that niche looks like a good rest" bubble up into my mind, I can get a grip on REALITY first!!

Suffice to say, I was beaten fair and square. I tried hard, but it was too hard. Too exhausting overall, too wild, too blind and committing a finish to deal with when I was that knackered....and stressed.

In fact, in common with the previous weekend's debacle/failure (yes, there was one, obviously), the key factor was discomfort/stress. This week it was overall exhaustion, arm pain from the climbing and leg pain from the hideous niche that meant I couldn't recover. Last week it was extreme foot pain on a slate slab that meant I could not stand around and work out crux moves. Both situations required time - time spent in one area, working out moves (and letting limbs recover) - and a clear head to deal with the challenges. And in both situations there was unavoidable discomfort, discomfort that made spending that time increasingly hard, AND created stress and that stress clouded my mind so I couldn't work out how to progress.

Clearly there is a lesson to learn there. Dealing with discomfort and stress: partly by preparing better, but mostly by dealing with it as it happens, accepting and allowing the discomfort, but not succumbing to it, keeping the mind calm even as the body is pressured. Not easy at all, but recognising the issue, it is something to work on.

But there is also another lesson....both situations may have been resolvable by pressing on quickly, in an uncertain and unlikely way, with a chance of progressing to somewhere to recover, but with a high risk of falling off....so why didn't I do that...

Funny business - fear and failure.

Climbing's a funny business. Funny strange and probably funny haha if one is that way inclined. Maybe it would benefit me to heed the ludicrosity of it all a bit more?? Cos it still bemuses the hell after me - trad leading especially. After 12 years or so climbing, 1000s of routes, route after route after day after day after year after year pushing myself and progressing, I still don't really get it. The waxing and the waning, the ebb and flow, the maddeningly random ups and downs that see you one day cruising everything in sight and the next day struggling even to do warm-up routes. Climbing challenging routes is an admirable goal, but so is consistency and whilst I've managed the former I still don't seem to manage the latter as much as I like.

Today was one such example of this: I went somewhere with inspiring challenges (or is that challenging inspirations) for me to try, and not much else. I went with a purpose, but that purpose SCARED ME. I had THE FEAR through most of the day. Eventually I felt ready and somewhat more syked and got on a warm-up route. Autopilot took over for a bit but it didn't take much for the fear to come back: a bit of pump, a bit of scruffy rock, a bit of a crux and a lot of THE DAMN FUCKING FEAR SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME WHEN FACED WITH EASY MOVES AND GOOD GEAR BY MY KNEES. Jeez... Why?? I don't really know. A bit tired? A bit struggling for syke? A bit unfed? A bit of a fucking gaylord? The latter most likely ;).

There is some stuff to learn from this, and a simple method to follow: Be honest. Analyse weakness. Train it.

But although I'm not so cross now (there was a "bit" of swearing at the time), I'm still bemused. Climbing, funny old business. And who knows what it will bring tomorrow...