Sometimes I wonder why the hell I chose climbing. Short, sweaty, fatomorph with a head full of bullshit from day one - bullshit that manifests itself not in a dancing-with-death willingness to run it out miles above filed down RPs in a loose flake, but in inhibitions, handbrakes, self-sabotage. Why would such a person choose an activity that instead suits the polar opposite: lithe, lean, leathery people with a light spirit (bastards). I should stick to deadlifting and making Quake levels.
Then I remember I didn't choose climbing, it chose me. It came up, out of nowhere, while I was innocently painting Orks and mentally warming myself up for getting into computer gaming (here's a pro-tip for you guys: lead figure painting, regardless of it's other merits, is a clearly terrible basis / background to start rock-climbing from, compared to say swimming, running, cycling, gymnastics, martial arts, yoga or indeed any other activity whatsoever). It came up, when I was still even terrified of 8m abseils (the first time I tried at school, I was so scared I burst into tears), insidiously whispered "Why don't you try going up instead of down", and in a state of confused late pubescent vulnerability I listened and took the drug it was peddling and I was hooked.
Fast-forward a couple of decades and I'm still hooked which explains why I'm hanging off an awkward break sandwiched between a rounded scoop and a rounded arete wondering how I'm so sweaty and so stressed and how the hell can I deal with this. It doesn't explain how some time later I'm hanging off the rope and bomber protection right next to one obvious, if slopey, move to easier ground, having got partway through that move before simply giving in to the mental and physical discomfort and doubt.
No....the bullshit in the first paragraph explains that. The genetic make-up of my psychology - it's been there since birth (along with the sweat glands and ticking timebomb of an aplaisic IVC), nature not nurture, my parents didn't know what the hell to do with me, sometimes neither do I. I certainly didn't at that moment. The frustration of making the same mistakes after those decades, the same inhibition, the same handbrake, the same self-sabotage that left me disgusted rather than exhilerated - why would any mind choose that course of action?? Because it's weak and flawed and gives in and takes the "easiest" course of action to "escape" the discomfort in that second, rather than striving to overcome the discomfort.
Later on, it's all a bit clearer if still equally unpalatable, hence writing this, hence trying to remind myself to keep learning the lessons I've been trying to for decades. Some of these lessons are general, some a bit more specific. In the problem - question - opportunity methodology of The Rock Warrior's Way which I've dug out to revisit:
Problem - I was scared of falling or committing to a situation where I might fall.
Question - Why is that this case when I've tackled that before?? Because I haven't been training overall and thus haven't been doing falling practise (maybe 10% of normal this winter).
Opportunity - Remember that falling practise, like any training, must be maintained to be effective (I'm physically weak due to lack of training, so clearly I can be mentally weak due to lack of training). Get back to regular falling practise indoors, and maybe outdoors.
P - I was additionally scared of getting to the next break as the guidebook had mentioned "protection does not inspire confidence" about the section. This was completely and utterly false as the protection next to me and at the break was clearly good.
Q - What can I do to deal with off-putting information or mis-information??
O - Firstly refer to falling practise!! A fall or even necessary jump from the next break would have been fine - as long as I wasn't overwhelmed by phantom fear. Falling practise would have lead to a clearer assessment of "I can commit, because I can safely fall / jump if it's an unsuitable situation" (this has worked in the past).
Secondly, always factor in my own judgement. I could both inspect the route from the side and assess the possible situation, and also know I have good gear placing skills, thus the off-putting falsehood might not be applicable.
Thirdly, take advantage of additional clarification - Dan had abbed down and cleaned this route (as had I for his route). While I wouldn't want any extra information to spoil the experience, confirmation of the guidebook accuracy would seems sensible: "Is the description and line about right??" ... "Pretty much except you probably gain the scoop from the right and the gear situation seems fine" .
P - I was sweating a lot and didn't think I could hold the crux sloper, and gave in to the doubt instead of giving it a try.
Q - Why did I do that psychologically? And could I have changed anything physically / logistically?
O - Psychologically it was once again a fear of falling - both falling per se, and falling unexpectedly off a move. Again, falling practise. But also, falling practise while attempting harder moves - and this can be even more useful outdoors, on redpointing, where I can re-learn to trust myself on harder moves while risking the fall coming off them.
Logistically, I need to remember to take advantage of any opportunity to alleviate the situation. I could have slapped my hand on my trousers or chalked either hand (I was sweaty and stressed more than pumped) or even reserved to a decent rest. I didn't - so I need to practise getting things logistically optimal.
P - I was not focused enough on success / progress as, despite contriving a decent rest, I had not recovered enough from prior stress starting the route (and thinking I had no chance of doing it)
Q - Why did I not recover my focus when I was recovering physically? Mostly because I wasn't trying to.
O - Take the time to acknowledge the changing situation while I'm recovering. Feel my body recovering and use the consciousness of that to fuel a mental change: "I had no chance of doing it before when I was too pumped and stressed. Now I'm resting, how has that chance changed??"
In summation, I need to use indoors and outdoor sport for falling practise and trust-training, and any stressful lead as an opportunity to practise better logistics and a more aware and productive response to the stress.
To anyone who has read this far, I'm sorry, refund applications will be accepted to the usual address. Conversely, I've wrote this far so maybe something useful will come out of it...
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