Petrol station / take out coffee review:
Starbucks: Arsebucks. Weak, bland rubbish that somehow perfectly captures the authentic taste of instant coffee made with brine. A horrible, embarassing fate for a coffee bean.
Verdict: A disgrace to coffee.
McDonalds: Coffee quality that truly matches the McBarrista quality. The quintessential "hot milkshake with a coffee bean at the bottom" that ensures a better coffee experience would be had licking the inside of Costa's bins.
Verdict: Avoid like the plague it is.
Wild Bean: Wild as in "Stig of the DUMP" not wild like a lion running across the Kenyan savannah. Harsh, ugly pointless coffee from beans that are burnt to a cinder for that essential bitterness.
Verdict: Drink out of the toilet instead.
Coffee For Life: Coffee for giving up on life. The empty hollow taste of cheap milk powder and boiling water is entirely unspoilt by the lone coffee bean or two, and only enhanced by woody notes as the cardboard cup leaks in.
Verdict: Unspeakably vile.
Costa: Choose a regular cappucino. Place the cup under for all the coffee shot, then move to get only half the milk (or less). Reload for extra shots if needed. Hey presto, actual good coffee from a machine - tried and tested several times
Verdict: Proper coffee with a proper taste, just keep the milk halved.