It's War.

The most brutal, intractable war, the war within. The human mind is the most complex, most powerful, most potent thing....I only wish I actually got on with mine. 30+ years and it's still a stalemate.

So far, so teen angst. The issue is that while I am mostly a climber, some parts of me are not a climber. Some of those other parts are positive, if sometimes distracting, desires into other hobbies (yes, painting toy soldiers IS that genuine), and some of those other parts are inhibitive, self-sabotaging, anti-parts. Throw it all together and sometimes the result is a seemingly irresolvable maelstorm of thought spirals, desires, ambitions, inhibitions, indecisions and confusion.

I try to strip away the bullshit and the trivialities to just get on with the pure pleasure of climbing, but as I once said to a good friend who was jesting about my climbing obssession - the problem is, I'm not obsessed enough. Part of it is good stuff that gives me a wee bit of a rest and a bit of balance, part of it is self-destructive stuff that uncomfortably contradicts the bulk of the truth about myself. Desire vs destruction....the war within. I wish for clarity of mind but I'm slowly accepting it will never happen, so I keep fighting....a war of attrition, aiming to grind my mind into positive spirals.

Anyway, I have had a lazy, slothful, and confusing week, and have generally anticipated feeling weak and useless. I went to TCA and felt knackered - except then did a PB of 4 pullups on the smallest Beastmaker rungs. I went to GCC and felt very slow getting into things - except then had as good a session I've ever had. Apparently the body isn't as weak as the mind! That still doesn't excuse me from keeping training it though...