aHoy there!

Top tip for new dads struggling to get out climbing: bundle your wife and kid off to Kenya (n.b. it might help if your wife is Kenyan and has family there). Well it worked for PJ so we could get a fairly sustained period of climbing in, including Little O Wall (good new Aberdeen trad venue - no spurious jumping for the bolt gun up here), Brin Rock sport crag (I've now completed the triptych of the finest mid-grade challenges at Brin: Gold Digger on the trad, Brin Done Before on the blocs, and The One And Only on the bolts. TOAO required me to do a full on lunge for a good hold from a slopey pinch with the bolt quite beneath my feet, a somewhat miraculous feat for me), Long Slough to get full appreciation of the coast being too greasy to climb, and The Mound to ensure we just missed the last ferry to Orkney.

Thankfully an early ferry the next day got us to the mist-blanketed archipelago and started a mini-adventure that sated one of my minor desires for this year, exploring Orkney. The first day in the grey gloom at Yesnaby was an eerie and bleak experience, and battling tides and imminent sea-smeg slightly subdued the otherwise fine and convenient climbing. A lie-in during the next rainy morning started a planned rest day to recover syke before two glorious and rewarding days. A return visit to Yesnaby started omniously with Phil battling the hardest sandbag I've ever seen while I planked and squirmed on the hanging belay to only just avoid the incoming swell. Even on second I needed a lie down afterwards. But the day got better and better through realistically graded routes, steep cracks and grooves, mellow evening sun on dry rock and a lovely delicate arete to finish in the sunset.

Since we were there and had another dry day and needed a rest from proper climbing (technical single pitches) at Yesnaby, it seemed fair enough to do the Old Man Of Hoy. But not, of course, by the tedious polished trade route of The Original Route, strictly the preserve of tourists, munro-baggers and other such riff-raff. Instead we stepped out onto the South Face for a jolly jaunt which involved "rock" that evolved from very sandy to fragile plates and bulges to hanging death blocks, obscure route-finding up indeterminate shelves and hanging chimneys, the obligatory fulmars to weave around, and a nice grass slab too. I can't recall there being ANY good climbing on the route, but it was a good adventure. We got away scott-free with only the tiniest of fulmar droplets on my adidas trackies, but then again a massive graze inside my armpit from catching myself when a foothold broke. The much-publicised abseils back down went very smoothly and quickly, the walk out up to the mainland was utterly murderous on my legs, and the stomp back over just got us to the last ferry to Orkney and the relaxed and comfy charms of Brown's Hostel.

Yeah well, go fuck YOUR face.

And the next day we did the Old Man Of Moy on the way back to Aberdeen.

Pfalz.

It's like a giant partially bolted Churnet Valley, crossbred with Nesscliffe and Helsby, scattered throughout a forested sauna, and topped with a mini-Oktoberfest.

36'c
....is a ridiculous temperature. By my standards 26'c is a ridiculous temperature and 10'c hotter is 10' more ridiculous. Driving around somewhere that looks a lot like middle England and getting out of the car into heat I've only ever experienced in Africa and the Caribbean was quite surreal. It's like stepping through the heat curtains you get across shop doorways in winter, except the heat just continues. Mid-week it cooled down a bit, I remember saying to Colin that it was much nicer at 26'c and he wisely pointed out that was still 10'c too hot for hard climbing. So there was precious little of that. Instead it was exploring and punting. Colin did a lot of chimneys, corners, and horizontal squirms, I did a lot of cracks, faces and the odd arete. We visited 21 crags in 10 days, and nearly as many summit ticks. I had to rest my skin but not my mind, despite the heat the syke held out well, helped by siestas!

Preposterously Proportioned Protuberances
...are an essential part of the Pfalz experience. The sandstone varies in quality, coarseness, features and angles, but the crags stick to formations that are distinct in character and distinct from the surrounding terrain. Spires and summits, towers and ridges all protrude from the forest that covers 70% of the surrounding countryside. Sometimes proudly visible on hilltops from miles around, sometimes only a vague summit hints at the potential that is revealed to be overpowering 40m walls shaded by 30m trees. Any protruberance that overhangs the base is an essential tick and I did a few of those. Abseil descents and summit books were mandatory. The quality of the rock and climbing was not always as immaculate as somewhere like Siurana, but the fun of the experience was hard to beat.

 

Weissbier und schnitzel
...are highlights of the area, along with a gargantuan selection of pastries and pretzel products (pretzel croissant nom nom nom). It is not a place to go for a diet and the amount of calories expended climbing and trekking around only just justified the amount put in at dinner and breakfast. Weissbier on tap re-defines "refreshment", 9 Euros for two chunks of schnitzel, a mountain of papriked chips and a bowl of well dressed salad persuaded us away from camp cooking on a few occasions, and by the end the staff of the local bakery knew us as regulars and smiled at our 8 items order each morning. The campsite was not bad for 9 euros each a night in peak season, flat ground and a good shower - despite the campsite fuhrer who bollocked me for accidentally driving on the wrong side of the road, exceeding 5kph (which the car wouldn't do any less than, even idling in 1st), and driving after 10pm, despite it being the restaurant's staff's fault for forgetting my SCHNITZEL. Dragging me away from my delayed dinner, thanks you grumpy old fuck. Further humiliation came on the campsite's crazy golf course with Colin owning my arse by some of the biggest numbers seen on the trip.

 

  

Return match needed
The sheer fun, diversity and character of the area just about compensated for the heat and lack of challenging climbing....JUST ABOUT. It was an excellent trip to explore, do a lot of fun stuff, and get the measure of an area that is complex but scarcely 30 minutes drive tip to tip. But boy am I syked to return. Drop the temperature to sending temps, and there are many inspiring grade 8s that are as attractive as anything I've seen anywhere. Now I've explored fully, a long focussed weekend would do. God knows when reliable cool weather is in spring or autumn, but whenever it is, I want to be there!!

It's War.

The most brutal, intractable war, the war within. The human mind is the most complex, most powerful, most potent thing....I only wish I actually got on with mine. 30+ years and it's still a stalemate.

So far, so teen angst. The issue is that while I am mostly a climber, some parts of me are not a climber. Some of those other parts are positive, if sometimes distracting, desires into other hobbies (yes, painting toy soldiers IS that genuine), and some of those other parts are inhibitive, self-sabotaging, anti-parts. Throw it all together and sometimes the result is a seemingly irresolvable maelstorm of thought spirals, desires, ambitions, inhibitions, indecisions and confusion.

I try to strip away the bullshit and the trivialities to just get on with the pure pleasure of climbing, but as I once said to a good friend who was jesting about my climbing obssession - the problem is, I'm not obsessed enough. Part of it is good stuff that gives me a wee bit of a rest and a bit of balance, part of it is self-destructive stuff that uncomfortably contradicts the bulk of the truth about myself. Desire vs destruction....the war within. I wish for clarity of mind but I'm slowly accepting it will never happen, so I keep fighting....a war of attrition, aiming to grind my mind into positive spirals.

Anyway, I have had a lazy, slothful, and confusing week, and have generally anticipated feeling weak and useless. I went to TCA and felt knackered - except then did a PB of 4 pullups on the smallest Beastmaker rungs. I went to GCC and felt very slow getting into things - except then had as good a session I've ever had. Apparently the body isn't as weak as the mind! That still doesn't excuse me from keeping training it though...

Back!!

...from 10 days in Pfalz.

It was ace. Far too bloody hot, but ace. I will write plenty more soon, but in the meantime, here is....

...FAT DORMAUS IN A HOLE!!

Game over man, GAME OVER.

It's officially too warm for me, even when it pretends to be not too warm. I went to Creag Dubh on a cloudy afternoon, fresh-ish sou'westerly breeze, and 20-ish'C forecast. Pleasant and promising on the belay of Inbred in a windproof, but just too warm on the rock. I started up something bold and having to check my tips and chalk on almost every move indicated.... GAME OVER. I retreated before I got fully game overed. That was one of the "coolest" days recently and it just wasn't good for me to push myself, it was disappointing to do essentially fuck all in a long day out, but it was needed to confirm that I had to wait until it's properly crisp again, when 20'C is an unduly warm day rather than an unduly cool one.

So I haven't done much climbing of note, thankfully I still have my pottering syke to keep the mileage going, and I've also had nice days out with friends and other creatures... Recent highlights including:

Creag Dubh - as well as backing off other stuff, I didn't back off Erse soon enough and ended up in mild but genuine mortal fear 15m up, 5m above terrible RPs, one in a flared crack one in a loose block. Downclimb of death. Also saw two LIVE goats with very big horns.

Berrymuir Head - got puked on by a seagull, not nearly as rancid as my only previous gull vomit encounter, but grim enough, I started swearing at the gull until noticing it was guarding a big ball of fluff with a beak sticking out....a perfectly perky and alive chick awww cute. Also spent much of the afternoon admiring Big Fat Seal On A Rock:

Big Fat Seal On A Rock

And had the common sense of current Berrymuir grading confirmed by two different climbers, and got syked for Roof Roof when it cools down, and had a fine BBQ meatathon courtesy of PJ - eating pure sirloin steak with bare hands nom nom nom.

Arbroath - met "From The Anti-Headpoint Consortium: Ross", now escaped to Perth. Apparently the Consortium was just Dan's joke on Consumed and there's no ID cards, t-shirts, secret handshakes or anything. Another childhood dream RUINED. Anyway did a couple of cool steep routes on Granny's Garrett and watched Ross on a DWS project hidden in plain view beneath it. The sea claimed him before the project did. I wussed out and stayed dry.

Glen Ogle - "Camera....nah only going to Glen Ogle, shitty sport crags and just two of us, won't get any climbing shots. Hmmm maybe there will be wildlife....and last time there was a Hercules flying down the valley....nah fuck it can't be arsed." 2 hours later (after a rank fucking bumblethon through the worst of Callander traffic), pulled into the parking next to a police jeep with two coppers with binoculars....who pretty soon pointed out the pair of golden fucking eagles they'd been checking the location of ARSE BOLLOX ETC. Also failed on 3 grotty dirty F6cs in a row but did manage Metal Guru which was clean and really rather good, ace crux move on it. Belayed Ross Jr on "8a in an hour" and dicked around on a so-called F7b+ that seemed to have a font 7b+ crux but might be worth a look as it's a decent retreat from the heat. Got back from Ogle to Stirling in less than have the time it took to get there.

Mo Fire

The wrong sort of fire though - not the spiritual blaze of passion and excitement but the burning oppression of sultry solar rays. It seems the respite from the ridiculous "southern england" style heatwave was as brief as the usual respite from the typical "northern scotland" style monsoons. From Metoffice:

Fort William:
Sat 20 Jul Day 25 °C W 3 mph Very Good

Aviemore:
Sat 20 Jul Day 26 °C NE 5 mph Very Good

Ullapool:
Sat 20 Jul Day 22 °C N 5 mph Very Good

Too fucking HOT by far. Ullapool might be the only option this weekend, at least it's got sea-cliffs and some north-ish facing crags....if one can escape the midges.

It looks perfectly timed, just as my confidence and determination are trickling back, any semblence of good conditions are trickling away like sweat down the hands and onto the holds. Once again I must be patient and WAIT and find something better to do than failing on challenging routes just because it's too hot. So what should that be?? Well if I was back in Sheffield it would be obvious - dogging down the dales, sheltering under a canopy of limestone overhangs and trees, dicking around on a rope with little pressure other than training and exercise. Sure the climbing would be shit but there would be plenty of choice. Up here, much less so....

Dicking around on a rope....
Glen Ogle shady side
Tunnel Wall
Dumby before evening
Myopics Buttress before evening
Creag Nan Luch if I'm up that way already
All the bolted torridonian sandstone if I'm up that way already
(Not the Angus quarries as I would rather take a belt sander to my bellend)

Seeking shade....
Reiff area (some of it)
Gruinard area
Aberdeen coast (if not smeggy)
Lakes (East-ish crags esp)
Lednock west side
Crag Lough and Peel Crag (quite a good idea actually!)

Easy mileage....
Yet again, *yawn*

Other options....
Deep Water soloing?? Craig Stirling!! But maybe too greasy if it's that warm.
Getting up high in the mountains?? Ha-fucking-ha. Anyone got any new veins? Though not. Fuck off.

Any other ideas?? Climbing ones of course... Let me know...

Slabs and Paths.

Glen Nevis, the true home of Scottish slab climbing. North West slabs are too easy and too scattered, Creag Ghlas is too singular and too far to walk, the Cairngorms are pretty much Alpine to get to, and as for the Etive Slabs, that's not proper slab climbing or proper climbing at all, any more than a cat skating up and down a tiled roof would be. Proper slab climbing involves crimps and rockovers as well as smears. So, Glen Nevis then - coarse, flakey, textured schist, from roadside to 30mins walk, in a sunny and beautiful glen (albeit with Cafe Beag serving the worst coffee I've encountered in a decade - AVOID). The path of Glen Nevis slab righteousness (not all pure slabs but with signficant slabby or off-vertical climbing) could look like this:

Rubberface - easy and pleasant

Twitch - (not done)

Bewsey Crack - tricky and varied.

Liquidator - [attempted - crack is unclimbably filthy]

Fang - (not done yet)

Plague Of Blazes - classic bold slab, does exactly what it promises

Slatehead Slab -  (not done)

Quadrode - (not done yet)  

Cathode Smiles - (not done yet)  

Double Or Quits Direct - eliminate but nice rock

Reptile - good and varied on funky rock

Earthstrip - classic line, tricky in places

Diode - brilliant route, perfect thin crack/slab, underrated

Kaos - quite tricky and good value

Travelling Man - awkward and unnerving but good

Ground Zero - serious and bold, good rock and good line

Land Ahoy - mostly protectionless but somehow quite brilliant

Vincent (?) -  (not done yet, might not be slabby enough?)

Crackattack - tricky but good the easier way, perhaps a bit steep

Edgehog - polished chalky trade route, but a classic

Mutant - [had a brief look while on Reptile, line is quite obscure]

Savage Cabbage - (not done yet)

Risque Grapefruit - (not done yet)  

Walter Wall - great route with a lovely runout and good climbing

Sweet Little Mystery - [had a play on this, far too dangerous a solo]

Aquarian Rebels - [had a look at this, a bit dirty and looks desperate]

Freddie Across The Mersey - (not done yet)

On Some Beach - (not done yet) 

Triode - (not done yet)  

(I've left out some of the right-hand routes on Wave Buttress because although they look great, I'm pretty sure they will be unclimbably filthy too.)

In the context of this list of justice, my progression throughout has been....okay so far. But it's the last few on the list, especially the last two, that particularly fascinate me. Steep bold slab climbing with BIG but potentially safe run-outs above decent gear. The sort of inspiration that got me to do Poetry Pink after 10 years of desire, and will hopefully get me to do a couple of those routes after a mere 3 years of similar desire. Of course for something "beyond" my limits, I need to get everything right - motivation, confidence, tactics, and especially weather - the sunniest crags in Scotland in the wettest, midgiest area in Scotland beneath the biggest fucking mountain in Scotland makes good conditions surprisingly elusive for somewhere so accessible.

This last Sunday the ridiculous heat had finally fucked off and the breeze had kicked off (it was much cooler at Sunday lunchtime than it was late Friday night). I'd taken it steady on the Wave walk-in by stopping off in the Gorge, warmed up on the rather scary Ground Zero (E3 5b??) and was feeling ready to give On Some Beach a go.... But....

THE WRONG SHOES GROMMIT!!

I definitely had the right trousers (cheap Adidas from Sport's Direct, well insulated from the breeze and with the orange stripes nicely matching my orange vest), but the wrong shoes. I'd overestimated how smeary Wave was (not very) and underestimated how edgy it was (quite a bit on the coarse grains and nobbles), and had brought my well-worn soft shoes, good for sensitivity and smearing, but less good for support and toe-power. Even on GZ I felt I wasn't able to dig in hard enough on the nubbins, and I just didn't trust myself to try OSB with that odd stacked against me. Two trips to Wave I've been syked but it's got too hot, one trip I've been syked but wrong shoes....another stroll down through the Gorge path without the experience of that mega-challenge.

Talking of paths...

Another lesson learnt this weekend was to be wary of straying off the beaten path. Even in the super-accessible and well-renowned Glen, it seems anything less than the Scottish Rock (SMC, not Gary's!) trade routes can be scarcely climbable. The day before we went to Creag Am Fithich to take advantage of a brief afternoon and low-ish river wade. Well the river wade was the highlight of the day, as Caterpillar had a fairly filthy finish, and Steerpike had a too-dangerous-to-abseil hollow tree after the actual climbing, and a quite unbelievable grovel up vertical moss. Then en-route back from Wave, Aquarian Rebels had a thin veneer of lichen that made it look even more impossible than it's initial "flared fingertip seam in an utterly blank slab" appearances, and I had to aid the easy escape route of Liquidator as it's crack was utterly full of moss - a pity as the starting moves above the river and the situation are both very fun, and the finish is easy to return to dry land. Opposite on the Gorge Wall, Chimera and Easy Pickings look just as good lines as when I had a brief play on the former 3 years ago, and even dirtier and mossier.

Have any of these routes had ascents this decade?

Was it really a good idea for Gary to directly copy descriptions out of Highland Outcrops without checking if these routes are climbable?

Why on earth is Edgehog so bleached with chalk and wear you can see it from the carpark, but more accessible routes are just walked past?

Is it because of Extreme-bloody-rock?? All Ken's fault?

Or is it because trad climbing is dying in Scotland whilst dogging up Dunkeld and days out at Angus shit-holes are flourishing?? In which case maybe we need Ken more than ever?

Is there any point me straying off the beaten path in the Glen again?

No probably not...

Going to take both pairs of shoes next time though...