Spanner In The Works

When is a trad climb not a trad climb?

....when it was protected by a thin, drooping, tied off spanner, and is now protected by an inch-thick, drilled and vertically cemented spanner in the same place. Thus turning an iffy situation into designer danger. I'd backed off Spanner Wall 13 years ago, a combination of approaching from the left (which made the crux a groundfall if the then-dubious spanner spung) and a warmish day. This time I approached from the now described right hand crack, placed the side-runners as high as I could without moving an inch off the line, and then wombled out to discover you could bivvy off the spanner. I enjoyed it anyway, particularly calming down and cooling down before the crux reachover. Has something been lost by this incarnation of the fixed spanner, though??

A nice bit of gay-legging on an underrated gem at the Pits.

I also enjoyed this other route - quite good value for ledge-shuffling! This day started grimly as early queasiness had me curled into a ball waiting for the prochlorperazine to kick in, but when it did I felt okay for an entirely afternoon, and although I was in ultimate bumbling mode, it was pleasant mileage.


When is a sport climb not a sport climb?

Delicious and nutritious, and a daintily smaller portion for the sportclimbing anorexophile. Best seasoned with a portion of battery acid or preferably arsenic for such climbers who then slag off a specific person's weight / appearance as part of a serious debate, and think they can get away with apologising because "they didn't know the person had medical issues" and being "sorry for being childish", instead of apologising for being cruel, overly-personal, and utterly fucking obnoxious. NB the target was not me in this case.

....when it was protected by this, until good old Seb took a spanner to it to tidy up the crag a bit. No doubt back in the day this was lined up along with rusty pegs, frayed tat, and coathanger hangers for that quintessential Great British Sport Climbing experience. The ceaseless tide of consumerist climbing has had a frothy silver lining in that this is now protected by nice shiny screw-in ring-bolts. This was down at Moat, the hip new place to be dangling off a bolt and queuing for routes. To be fair it is lovely down there, the friendly cat loitering around Cressbrook, the lurking fishes, the mum duck and 3 ducklings paddling by, a swan coming into land like a Hercules transporter crashing in the river, flocks of sheep moseying on down to the far bank. At some point I'll actually be able to start my own redpointing there.


When is a climber not a climber?

On the outside, I look like Fiend. Sometimes, on the inside, I feel like this.

....when he's got more fucking spanners in the works than a ramraid on Halfords tool department. Since last update's debacle, the status quo of "bad head, improving elbows" crystallised into a nice clear plan: More falling practise to fix the former, more brutal limestone to take advantage of the latter, both of which to gain fitness and confidence to get out there and tackle The greater Range and suchlike.

Instead it's panned out like this: Digestive relapse cancelling some days and making others unreliable, regular partners not interested in the lime, Purkle not able to belay me on falling practise, joining in the exclusive and elitist Peak Sport Climbing FB page to find 90% of people only want to go to the Tor, getting to the lovely Moat Buttress twice with some of the other 10% but only in teams of 3 so getting almost nothing done, getting out on a mileage day with Purkle to find the easier mileage was shit and the harder inspiration was unbelayable, getting back to that harder inspiration that I've wanted to for 13 fucking years and feeling too emotionally drained to commit to the moves before watching (well, half-watching) my climbing partner "just go up to feel what those holds were like, just out of interest" and piss all over it like it was a trivial warm-up, finally getting out on a mutually acceptable day with Purkle, ending up at Harpur with a million mileage options and perfect weather and walking away due to migraine. Etc.

The digestive relapse, after steady improvement over the winter and a notably "clear" March has been demoralising. Being mildly but chronically ill with something that very directly affects my moods, preys on my personal squeamishness, is unpredictable and has no obvious cause for reappearing....is grim. On the rare days where I haven't had some issue and felt digestively normal, the clarity and freedom of my mindstate has been utterly obvious, and highlights how much this affects me. To try to deal with this, I've contacted a local nutritionist AND naturopathic doctor for consultations.

In the meantime, I'm trying to do what worked for me last summer: high intensity, relatively high effectiveness (compared to Easy Trad that makes me weak, if very happy), low stress, low logistical committment sport-or-similar stuff. Looking through the haze onto the positive side of things, at least I am in an infinitely better location to make the most of that this year...

Unsuitable Genetic Material.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I chose climbing. Short, sweaty, fatomorph with a head full of bullshit from day one - bullshit that manifests itself not in a dancing-with-death willingness to run it out miles above filed down RPs in a loose flake, but in inhibitions, handbrakes, self-sabotage. Why would such a person choose an activity that instead suits the polar opposite: lithe, lean, leathery people with a light spirit (bastards). I should stick to deadlifting and making Quake levels.

Then I remember I didn't choose climbing, it chose me. It came up, out of nowhere, while I was innocently painting Orks and mentally warming myself up for getting into computer gaming (here's a pro-tip for you guys: lead figure painting, regardless of it's other merits, is a clearly terrible basis / background to start rock-climbing from, compared to say swimming, running, cycling, gymnastics, martial arts, yoga or indeed any other activity whatsoever). It came up, when I was still even terrified of 8m abseils (the first time I tried at school, I was so scared I burst into tears), insidiously whispered "Why don't you try going up instead of down", and in a state of confused late pubescent vulnerability I listened and took the drug it was peddling and I was hooked.

Fast-forward a couple of decades and I'm still hooked which explains why I'm hanging off an awkward break sandwiched between a rounded scoop and a rounded arete wondering how I'm so sweaty and so stressed and how the hell can I deal with this. It doesn't explain how some time later I'm hanging off the rope and bomber protection right next to one obvious, if slopey, move to easier ground, having got partway through that move before simply giving in to the mental and physical discomfort and doubt.

No....the bullshit in the first paragraph explains that. The genetic make-up of my psychology - it's been there since birth (along with the sweat glands and ticking timebomb of an aplaisic IVC), nature not nurture, my parents didn't know what the hell to do with me, sometimes neither do I. I certainly didn't at that moment.  The frustration of making the same mistakes after those decades, the same inhibition, the same handbrake, the same self-sabotage that left me disgusted rather than exhilerated - why would any mind choose that course of action?? Because it's weak and flawed and gives in and takes the "easiest" course of action to "escape" the discomfort in that second, rather than striving to overcome the discomfort.

Later on, it's all a bit clearer if still equally unpalatable, hence writing this, hence trying to remind myself to keep learning the lessons I've been trying to for decades. Some of these lessons are general, some a bit more specific. In the problem - question - opportunity methodology of The Rock Warrior's Way which I've dug out to revisit:

Problem - I was scared of falling or committing to a situation where I might fall.
Question - Why is that this case when I've tackled that before?? Because I haven't been training overall and thus haven't been doing falling practise (maybe 10% of normal this winter).
Opportunity - Remember that falling practise, like any training, must be maintained to be effective (I'm physically weak due to lack of training, so clearly I can be mentally weak due to lack of training). Get back to regular falling practise indoors, and maybe outdoors.

P - I was additionally scared of getting to the next break as the guidebook had mentioned "protection does not inspire confidence" about the section. This was completely and utterly false as the protection next to me and at the break was clearly good.
Q - What can I do to deal with off-putting information or mis-information??
O - Firstly refer to falling practise!! A fall or even necessary jump from the next break would have been fine - as long as I wasn't overwhelmed by phantom fear. Falling practise would have lead to a clearer assessment of "I can commit, because I can safely fall / jump if it's an unsuitable situation" (this has worked in the past).
Secondly, always factor in my own judgement. I could both inspect the route from the side and assess the possible situation, and also know I have good gear placing skills, thus the off-putting falsehood might not be applicable.
Thirdly, take advantage of additional clarification - Dan had abbed down and cleaned this route (as had I for his route). While I wouldn't want any extra information to spoil the experience, confirmation of the guidebook accuracy would seems sensible: "Is the description and line about right??" ... "Pretty much except you probably gain the scoop from the right and the gear situation seems fine" .

P - I was sweating a lot and didn't think I could hold the crux sloper, and gave in to the doubt instead of giving it a try.
Q - Why did I do that psychologically? And could I have changed anything physically / logistically?
O - Psychologically it was once again a fear of falling - both falling per se, and falling unexpectedly off a move. Again, falling practise. But also, falling practise while attempting harder moves - and this can be even more useful outdoors, on redpointing, where I can re-learn to trust myself on harder moves while risking the fall coming off them.
Logistically, I need to remember to take advantage of any opportunity to alleviate the situation. I could have slapped my hand on my trousers or chalked either hand (I was sweaty and stressed more than pumped) or even reserved to a decent rest. I didn't - so I need to practise getting things logistically optimal.

P - I was not focused enough on success / progress as, despite contriving a decent rest, I had not recovered enough from prior stress starting the route (and thinking I had no chance of doing it)
Q - Why did I not recover my focus when I was recovering physically? Mostly because I wasn't trying to.
O - Take the time to acknowledge the changing situation while I'm recovering. Feel my body recovering  and use the consciousness of that to fuel a mental change: "I had no chance of doing it before when I was too pumped and stressed. Now I'm resting, how has that chance changed??"

In summation, I need to use indoors and outdoor sport for falling practise and trust-training, and any stressful lead as an opportunity to practise better logistics and a more aware and productive response to the stress.

To anyone who has read this far, I'm sorry, refund applications will be accepted to the usual address. Conversely, I've wrote this far so maybe something useful will come out of it...